Saturday, 23 May 2015

I can't be that amazing, can I?

Awake at 5.43, I had only had just over 5 hours sleep. I reach to God because I know that is the correct thing to do on waking, yet, ouch! That pain again, that disgusting pain which had bothered me since I closed my eyes the previous night. 

Blog! The word was there. Blog! I used to blog incessantly back in the day, until, something, somehow had changed the course and direction of my life and I had gotten off point. Why, oh why, had I deserted one of my deepest loves? The gorgeous gift of the written word. I loved it as much as my faith and the music I create.

So, the title here!!! 'I can't be that amazing, can I'? I sit here in the very centre of a major season change of life. Aged 44 and single. Single, may I say most profusely is by no choice or decision of my own. My heart yearns for a man's arms, I crave this 'normal' thing that everyone, but everyone seems to have, and, again, after laying down my head the previous night after multiple tears, I sit again, on another new morning with a blessing of gentle birdsong as the day breaks, and need to always remember, that with each new morning, comes mercies anew. Hallelujah.

This particular change of season is a relocation. Having already taken many belongings to the new property, I realized that I had been premature in taking my tool box ahead of time. When the plumber came to disconnect my stove, I asked to borrow a tool in order to take down my table in preparation for the removal van. 

As I finished removing the legs, his words to me, which, I absolutely know, were intended as a compliment, had the absolute opposite effect and cut at my heart like a knife. See, he said, look at you, you don't need a man. I knew that in his heart, as said, that he was praising me for my effort, but, at that moment, I felt like my heart was going to burst open with pain. Forever the actress, I gave an enormous smile and faked it and said, yes, but I want one. 

I have had my heart very deeply broken by three men in a row. Three God guys, all church goer's who have all said exactly the same thing to me. You are so amazing, I can't do this any more, you are a queen and I am not in a position to give you all that you deserve. I am not good enough for you with all your God given gifts and talents. I am regularly told that I am amazing, beautiful, talented and all the wonderful words that many girls long to hear, yet never do, yet, here, I am, aged 44 and still single. Single sucks. I absolutely hate it. The pain intensifies as the years pass by. That horrible, realistic reason, that all three who stole my heart had said to me, and I guess, that the plumber's endorsement of my skills and talents, was, for someone like me, a harsh reminder, of all the heartbreak. 

I do have such strong faith and I have never ever had any shyness about speaking out who my Jesus is from being a teeny tiny child. I know that I knew Jesus from being aged 3, the earliest age that I can recall in my physical memory and I again declare as to why my life cannot happen without Him being my Lord and Saviour.  Evangelism could not have been designed for anyone better than me. It totally fits my essence and character and I do it so naturally. I thank the most high GOD for our beautiful new home and again, push back this pain that tries to attack as I stand firmly on his living word, quoted in Hebrews 4:12 and again, make an informed choice in my own God given free will to stand firm in faith for a forthcoming husband, just as I did for the house when all seemed hopeless. Hallelujah, hallelujah. Pain is a stronghold and praise breaks strongholds. No weapon formed against me will prosper, in the mighty name of Jesus.